Scent-Marking my Life

Covering the traces of the past with this new life - where I am now the dominant one.

Today I walked a familiar walk, but one that is mostly familiar from another time in my life. A time that imbued this place with bitter memories that leave the distaste of regretful grief and crawling skin. Yet re-treading these old steps feels like it's gradually stamping out those lingering memories and imprinting this place back into the present.

At the start of this summer I walked here with my son, for the first time since everything changed. It was like time folded in two and thrust me face to face with the moments that left their residue in the mud and brambled pathways. I found myself in two places - or rather, two times - at once. Both 15 years ago with the man who would become the father of my son, and in this present time, now alone with my son. I viscerally re-lived the duty-bound coercion and conversations of casual exploitation. My insides wrenched as an overgrown alleyway and a particular corner of the path brought long-forgotten memories flooding back with cruel clarity. All whilst in real time, I chatted with my 5-year old about puddles and birds, as he wobbled on his bike and we stopped for snacks.

Yet this time, with summer fading rapidly into autumn, it felt different. I was more present, in the here and now. The old memories were still there but they didn't rage through my body and my mind like they did a few months ago. They flitted in, and I let them drift away again with the breeze that promised yet more rain.

I will walk these paths again, gladly leaving new footprints and memories to cover the traces of times gone by. Of memories I'd rather let fade.

So now I mark this path - this life - as my own. As it always should have been, and how now it will be.